I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
