i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
