i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
