This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
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