Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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