I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize