She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
