Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
