I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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