Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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