i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
