If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
