I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
