Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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