I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
