Already got asked if we're dating
This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize