the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
