Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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