I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
you never un-have a 4some
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
