so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
