My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
