i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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