my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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