My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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