we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
