i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
