saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
