guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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