My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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