I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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