guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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