He uses pillows to masturbate.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I deserve this hangover.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
