you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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