Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
