if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
