I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
