You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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