I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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