im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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