If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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