if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
