I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
