They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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