why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Randomize
