We're facebook friends in real life
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
