Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
