At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Dignity is for republicans.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
