I think im going to throw up on grandma
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
