My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
