JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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