my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Randomize
