turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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