I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
