I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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