see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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