My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
