i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
