You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize