Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
