i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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