then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
