Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
