the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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