do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Sext me about skeletons
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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