I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
the condom got lost in my hair
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
