i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
