I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
