go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
