the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
