Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
the room spins SO much faster in panama
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
