I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
